Friday, September 27, 2013


I was sitting at the table this morning and Eli came over and stood on his tiptoes to pull a notebook off of the table.  I handed it down to him, a spiral-bound thing that I got out recently to reuse but that has notes in it from my freshman year of college.  He was totally delighted, touching and drooling and talking to himself, opening and closing the cover and experimenting with taking large bites out of the loose leaves inside.
Suddenly I caught a glimpse of my handwriting inside the notebook.  I thought about freshman year, about who I was then.  That was a precious time of my life, full of priceless memories, and such a part of who I am.  And I almost stopped him.  I thought, wait!  Don't destroy that!  Don't take away that part of me!
Which, when I came to myself, was silly, because tearing up an old notebook doesn't take anything away from my life.  But I realized that this is what the world teaches about children.  That when you have them they take over your life, erase your Self, fill up your whole person with motherhood until there's nothing left that's individual.  That you'll never have your body back, your career back, your life back, your SELF back.
It's not true, and I was reminded of that this morning.
New life never destroys, never takes away.  Babies can only build.  He voluntarily came and gave me a hug a few minutes later.  He loves me.  All my memories, all my experiences make me who I am, and now I am his mother, and whether he knows it or not, what he loves is the conglomerate.  All I have done is add - add a human to the world, add love to my life, add joy and discovery and meaning, add strength and wisdom and talents, and add "mother" to the list of words that describe who I am.  And who I am continues.  


  1. M- this is beautiful. Thanks for sharing. "All I have done is add..." Isn't that what life is about anyway, gathering up experiences and memories, and broadening who we are and who we are trying to become? It can be difficult for me to remember that sometimes, so I am grateful for your reminder that what we do now, this minute, does not completely define us, nor take away from who we were, but rather adds to who we are.
    Love the photo of Eli. Just darling.

  2. I look back at freshman year with such fond memories, and you are a huge part of that. The great thing about it though, is as much as I love those memories, I love my life now even more. It's amazing how when one door closes it can be so difficult to look beyond that, but reality is there are so many blessings and wonderful events to enjoy, both in the present and the future. Thanks for being such a beautiful person and being a part of my life. Oh, and Eli is freakin' adorable. Make another! :)

  3. Love this! I'm sending you the Notebook 1 and 2 as soon as Lucia's big enough to be getting in to things! Heheh :) Love you!